Dan Apus Monoceros
- Feb 8
- 9 min
Open relationship and fetish - by Dan Apus Monoceros (Coach for Kinks and non-monogamouse relationships)
"My husband, his BoyToy, my puppy and I went to the gay-BDSM.club play night at the weekend and met my slave from last week, where we ended up having an orgy."
If you don't think this introduction is particularly creative, then welcome to my world ;)
There is a huge range of non-monogamous relationship forms and both in the gay as well as in the BDSM and fetish environment, these seem to be more normal than the exception. The open relationship in particular has established itself here. This seems to make perfect sense, especially in BDSM and fetish-based relationships, where you often encounter the typical relationship trap.
But why is that so? Does it make sense? is there another way? What exactly is the relationship trap? And how do you actually create a successful open relationship?
But let's start from the beginning.
What exactly is an open relationship?
A relationship takes place on different levels and integrates elements such as love, living together, sexuality, building a future together, trust, romance, mutual friends or interests, security and much more. Fetishes, kinks and similar elements can also be part of a relationship.
In an open relationship, both partners are allowed to express their sexual needs, kinks and similar preferences outside of the relationship. However, none of these sexual or play partners are on the same level as the main partner.
There are often special conditions how partners shape their open relationship in order to make it positive for both partners. This can then, for example, be a veto right for the main partner that certain practices should not be done outside of the main relationship, that certain places are taboo for purely sexual partners or that only safer sex can be done outside of the main relationship.
But there are not only rules and restrictions, there are also positive things that keep the main relationship active, such as having a couples evening once a week, talking to each other about different experiences, or at least establishing principles that if a partner feels somehow strange or jealous, that you talk openly about the feelings.
Be fair to everyone involved.
No matter how you shape the relationship, it is important that everyone involved gets their money's worth and that everyone involved feels comfortable with the design. So don't leave your partners in the dark and if you are such a partner, you can also build long-term exciting experiences with another kinkster and maybe even with two or more.
Create an open relationship
But it also requires active relationship work, agreements, understanding for the partner and time and nerves to work on it. Problems in an open relationship should not simply be ignored and you should not let yourself go too much either... After all, you have to convince your partner again and again. But if this active relationship works and taking care of your partner and yourself is missing, every other relationship will fall apart...
Benefits of an open relationship
Healthy competition with others makes you attractive and desirable. Being desired by multiple partners increases self-esteem. New experiences outside of the core relationship also bring new impulses into the core relationship and expand the knowledge of the partners. Being able to express yourself reduces pressure and you can develop and unfold even during a relationship, even if your partner isn't actually ready for it. In addition, an open relationship can take the pressure of expectations and offers many opportunities to develop and fully develop yourself.
A decisive advantage is that one partner does not have to satisfy all of his partner's needs. If fetishes or special preferences in the relationship are not sufficiently satisfied by one's own partner, there is also the possibility of resorting to other partners and thus keeping the core relationship secure and intact.
Not every fetish relationship has to be an open one, but these 3 would make sense...
There are many happy fetish couples who live with them monogamously or together with others. An open relationship can be a possibility, but there are many other models that offer opportunities here. Here we want to focus on 3 typical situations where it makes sense to open a fetish relationship:
Stracciatella relationship
Semi-match with/without relationship trap
Blocked headspace
Stracciatella or Vanilla - Kinky relationship
Depending on where love falls, it can happen that a vanilla meets a kinky person. Or one of the partners just realizes over time that he also has other needs than just the classic things.
The desire for fetish and kinks can break a relationship if it is not fulfilled in the relationship. However, if a partner cannot or does not want to provide this part, it would not be fair that they would be forced to do so. The other way around, the one who has this wish should also be able to develop.
In any case, it is very good if you talk openly about this. A partner is then often willing to try out certain fetishes together and may discover something new for themselves in the process.
Opening for fetish and kinks
With some fetishes and preferences, however, it feels wrong when your partner does it. For example, humiliation and humiliation games are things that often feel rather weird with one's partner. In this case it makes perfect sense if I look for an outside partner here.
An open relationship is a wonderful thing, whereby you can define exactly how far both partners are allowed to live out. You can really only open this for the kink if this is the wish and e.g. do not allow classic sex with other partners. In practice, however, it makes perfect sense if at least some basic sexual practices are allowed, as these are often part of the bdsm game. In some role-playing games, however, this is not necessary, for example, you can tie completely asexually and focus more on devotion and intimacy, or asexual play is also used in puppy play or with the non-sexual slave.
One should also not underestimate that preferences change over time. It can be the case, for example, that someone just wants to try something and then decides for themselves that it was one of the excursions and they don’t want to have anything to do with it anymore. But it can also be that the vanilla partner then discovers something new for themselves and thus brings more kink into the relationship on their own.
Semi-match
The semi-match is a typical problem, especially in the BDSM world. The fact is that the partners are both into BDSM practices in principle, but they are different. For example, one partner can be into pain and another is more into losing control, both partners are primarily active and dominant or the opposite, or the match is not 100% for another reason, which is more the rule than the exception.
When you love someone, you make compromises. But that doesn't mean, that it's the right thing to you.
The relationship trap
And this is where the relationship trap comes in, in a way. A lot of BDSM practices are based on the idea that I take something from a partner and the sub is happy to give it. The lust arises from the perceived asymmetry in the hierarchy and distribution of power and the associated abuse of dominance for the pleasure of the cathedral. So you suffer for your partner or you accept a restriction for the cathedral or something similar. But if the dom then does this for the sub, then this stimulus is lost for the sub. If the dom also knows what the sub doesn't like, then he will no longer demand it, or if he demands it, he will remember that his partner actually doesn't like it at all and we can't enjoy it as much as we can with a play partner would do where he feels a less intense attachment. After all, everyone only wants the best for their partner, which in this case means that otherwise positive experiences are interpreted negatively.
How to overcome the relationship trap?
The trick to breaking this relationship trap is to only focus on what makes your partner horny and reinforce that. This means instead of thinking about what your partner doesn't like and concentrating on it, you do something that your partner likes in order to then enjoy your partner's horniness and the positive feedback it gives you. Of course, this applies to both sides and you have to convince yourself to a certain extent that it will work that way.
What are the peculiarities of fetishes and BDSM?
Many fetishes, BDSM practices, and role-playing games work with the concept of the mindset, or headspace. That is, certain attitudes are created for certain fetishes and role-playing games that fit the respective practices. The participants then fully or at least to a large extent become absorbed in this mental attitude and live it out here! In extreme cases, the participants are no longer able to talk, look at a specific person, have internalized certain protocols, are more resistant to pain, and sometimes no longer connected to the outside world as they usually are. A sub in a strong subspace can be very resistant to pain, but also no longer reacts to other stimuli that affect him from outside. This only works if it can fully immerse itself in its role and hide its surroundings.
Reach the headspace
But it doesn't always work to get into the appropriate headspace. Factors such as a lack of trust, insecurity or other issues that may be going through your head mean that you cannot let go. The participants do not reach the desired headspace and if this remains so for a long time, many sessions are then aborted again.
External factors can help or hinder reaching headspace. Enabling factors are things like certain outfits and gear, the use of certain behaviors, external partners, certain surroundings or the like. The more often you use them for support, the more these elements are linked to the corresponding headspaces. On the other hand, if you use many elements that are linked to other things, such as everyday clothing in your own home, it can be more difficult to reach the headspace here.
Fetish in the relationship
The partner can also be a supporting or inhibiting factor. Encouraging in the sense that one has trust here and can let go more easily, but also inhibiting in the sense that one also shares many other things with this person and often talks about at least similarly emotional things that are not sexual at all.
The following example sentence always illustrates this relatively well:
"Lick my boots, slave!"
"But only if you put them straight away in the closet and don't leave them lying around again."
Even if the slave would never say it like that, he might think so in the situation. This thought alone will prevent him from really letting himself go in the situation. The relationship and its conflicts and issues overlay the D/s situation. It will probably still work to develop a suitable situation here, but if more and more factors come together here, this will become more and more difficult.
The domes in particular seem to have their problems here, as they often have less pronounced headspaces. Very often they are in similar moods in everyday life and during the game and often only have to change a little. However, this similarity often makes it difficult to make a clear distinction here, and they must also be strictly separated from one another. If you then have a strong emotional influence from everyday life with your partner, this can influence the game accordingly and you no longer think of "the bastard crawling on the floor", but "of the complaining"... but of course there is there are also similar effects the other way around, as described above.
Possible solutions
Many couples have found simple solutions for themselves and have learned to switch off explicitly. Some couples give each other signals before they enter the shared apartment about the mood they are in today. Keeping certain rooms free for this game is also a very good way, as well as appropriate outfits and similar items. Start words (similar to stop words) too. Changing the light and mood can also help and is quickly done with LEDs in your own home. A joint trip to a BDSM club is absolutely helpful, or even bringing other partners along will make it easier to get in the right mood. There are many other approaches as well, but ultimately you have to find out for yourself which ones have the best chance of success for you and also experiment a bit. But getting the right headset is also a question of training and can be promoted through mental training methods.
Tip:
If you want to be well prepared here, you can use various self-conditioning measures to get into the right headspace during the changing process. But there are also tricks and techniques how to do this very quickly without adding external elements such as clothing or the like.
Results: Fetish & open relationship a match?!
Everyone has to decide for themselves which relationships they can imagine for themselves and together with your partner you should find the right one for you.
In the long term, compromises and sacrifices in a relationship are definitely not a solution. If you notice that you are not getting your money's worth in the relationship, you should consider opening the relationship here. This does not necessarily have to be in every area and without framework conditions, but can and should take place after mutual consultation and agreements. If you are not happy and sexually fulfilled in the long term, you will find ways... and get attached to things that are not a problem in a well-functioning open relationship. This can be detrimental to the relationship and, in the worst case, end it.
But anyone who opens a relationship should always remember that if you give one side a little more freedom, then you also need trust on the other side. Talking is essential, also about feelings, fears, concerns, desires and limits. Therefore, compromises and agreements also make sense. But the good feeling with your partner is even more essential, because talking is supposed to produce exactly that. Therefore, always take enough time for your partner and keep the fetish within the scope that you and your relationship do not miss out.